I'm thinking.......
or sometimes i couldn't believe that i'm in love with another race.
I'm thinking....
i'm cultivating my determination to convert into another religion
and start to learn all over again.
I'm thinking.....
will we be living happily ever after?
There are lots of difference in our life need to be adjusted.
or perhaps i'm the one who need to adapt all the changes.
All this while, i'm combating my fear of changing.
The changes will be made for the rest of my life.
Whenever i'm trying to peace my mind, there are always on and off chaos happened.
and it keeps happening...
it keeps bothering....
it keeps interfering...
Why?? When can free from all these?
i'm traumatic and tired, always live with sheer anxieties.
Friday, January 22, 2010
New Phase of Life II - trauma
continue from the previous post...
I still vividly could remember how he insisted me to admit the feelings for him at 3.00am one day, i couldnt remember about the exact day. He was so happy and telling me he has the same feeling. At that time, he was still clinged by his ex. I was seriously in a dilemma. For sure, if things do not manage well, catastrophe might most probably befall on us.
Well, i seriously in a daze. Perhaps just follow the flow of what God will show to me.
We are getting along very well during the first week, but nightmares happened when i was going back to hostel at 1am with him. Out of a sudden, a silhoutte appears at the back of his car when he was looking through the rear mirror before he started his car. His ex forced him to open the door and he did. She threw her wallet into his car and punch him. Then, his ex came to the passeger part and open my door. I was in great shock. I warn her don't approach me and settle with him. He ran further and the girl headed for him.
On impulse, i closed all the doors and drove his car off. But she blocked my way. I prayed and tried to get off from her. I don't know.... It was a disastrous night and i couldnt continue....
At 5.00am, he still got back to her because she said that she was committing suicide by swallowing plenty of panadols in front of his house.
At 9am, he returned to me and he packed some necessities and headed for perak.
We just couldnt escape from the disaster. I'm too obsessed to mention too detail here. Of all the times being with him, yea... we are so in love and having mutual chemestry. Somehow, when i think of his problem, i was suffering in sheer agony especially when i saw how helpless he was upon the matter. He was traumatised from all the mental torturing from his ex. I feel frustrated when i couldnt find a way to put a halt on his problem. His emotion becomes more and more unstable. Frequently, we have some arguments but fortunately the argument isn't critical to affect our relationship.
I still vividly could remember how he insisted me to admit the feelings for him at 3.00am one day, i couldnt remember about the exact day. He was so happy and telling me he has the same feeling. At that time, he was still clinged by his ex. I was seriously in a dilemma. For sure, if things do not manage well, catastrophe might most probably befall on us.
Well, i seriously in a daze. Perhaps just follow the flow of what God will show to me.
We are getting along very well during the first week, but nightmares happened when i was going back to hostel at 1am with him. Out of a sudden, a silhoutte appears at the back of his car when he was looking through the rear mirror before he started his car. His ex forced him to open the door and he did. She threw her wallet into his car and punch him. Then, his ex came to the passeger part and open my door. I was in great shock. I warn her don't approach me and settle with him. He ran further and the girl headed for him.
On impulse, i closed all the doors and drove his car off. But she blocked my way. I prayed and tried to get off from her. I don't know.... It was a disastrous night and i couldnt continue....
At 5.00am, he still got back to her because she said that she was committing suicide by swallowing plenty of panadols in front of his house.
At 9am, he returned to me and he packed some necessities and headed for perak.
We just couldnt escape from the disaster. I'm too obsessed to mention too detail here. Of all the times being with him, yea... we are so in love and having mutual chemestry. Somehow, when i think of his problem, i was suffering in sheer agony especially when i saw how helpless he was upon the matter. He was traumatised from all the mental torturing from his ex. I feel frustrated when i couldnt find a way to put a halt on his problem. His emotion becomes more and more unstable. Frequently, we have some arguments but fortunately the argument isn't critical to affect our relationship.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Intense pressure from everywhere
Perhaps the post which continues from the previous post will be written later.
Here, I really want to vent out my tension. Problems have never stopped approaching me. Why? My dad behaves unreasonably, my work is endless, and the most upset is the misery enters into my relationship.
The problem is uncontrollable. I'm trying my best to be supportive. But, in the end, the pressure lies in the bottom of my heart is more than words that i can say. It has been 2 months getting along with him. Eventhough he couldn't provide me luxuries or any material needs, but his love and cares for me are precious and priceless. What's more i can demand from him? Nothing. I love him as what he is.
I know troubles have been coming after me. From the first day i chose him, i have forecast that. Initially. i have a thought to give up on this relationship. The heartache that i bear maybe lasted me for a period of time. But, as time goes on, i found that he completes me, he has the ability to cover all my weakness. In certain aspects, i'm a loser. Example?? Needless to state here, he knows everything of me. Gradually, i found that this relationship is like a jig-saw puzzle, every minute and every second, both of us completed it pieces by pieces.
My dad is blaming me that i have chosen a Muslim. I wonder, is it my fault?
Until now, it will break my heart into million of pieces if i have to give up on him, unless one day he doesnt love me anymore.
His ex is still haunting him, bothering him, even interfering our life. How can we escape from all these?
I believe true love has the greatest power and nothing can defeat us.
God, pls protect us from all the evils.
Here, I really want to vent out my tension. Problems have never stopped approaching me. Why? My dad behaves unreasonably, my work is endless, and the most upset is the misery enters into my relationship.
The problem is uncontrollable. I'm trying my best to be supportive. But, in the end, the pressure lies in the bottom of my heart is more than words that i can say. It has been 2 months getting along with him. Eventhough he couldn't provide me luxuries or any material needs, but his love and cares for me are precious and priceless. What's more i can demand from him? Nothing. I love him as what he is.
I know troubles have been coming after me. From the first day i chose him, i have forecast that. Initially. i have a thought to give up on this relationship. The heartache that i bear maybe lasted me for a period of time. But, as time goes on, i found that he completes me, he has the ability to cover all my weakness. In certain aspects, i'm a loser. Example?? Needless to state here, he knows everything of me. Gradually, i found that this relationship is like a jig-saw puzzle, every minute and every second, both of us completed it pieces by pieces.
My dad is blaming me that i have chosen a Muslim. I wonder, is it my fault?
Until now, it will break my heart into million of pieces if i have to give up on him, unless one day he doesnt love me anymore.
His ex is still haunting him, bothering him, even interfering our life. How can we escape from all these?
I believe true love has the greatest power and nothing can defeat us.
God, pls protect us from all the evils.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
New phase of life
Just imagine that in the most darkest stage of your life, someone came into your life as a saviour. Well, it's him who lifted up my life, who brought back my joyous to me. It has been months after months i was suffering in agony, perhaps nearly causing mental distortion.
Without realising, I have some feelings for him. I started to flirt a bit with him :p
Days after days, i realise i have trues feelings towards him. But, i was in sheer dilemma because that time he was attached. I kept reminding me that we were just good friends, that's it! However, once he disappeared for more than 24 hours after being kidnapped by his ex gf.
That very night, i couldn't fall asleep till 2am, i lost focus in my work. Then, i was awaken at 6am, thinking of him whether he was safe or not. He has been telling me that his ex gf was kind of violent and uncontrollable or even insane. The following day, i went to his lab and looked around. My heart was filled with despair, he wasn't there. I pretended to ask around his colleagues about him, but no one has ever contacted him. His lap top was left on his table. I was in a dazed. Yes, i was anxious.
At night, i called his housemate. Then i was able to reach him. Thank God. I scolded him intensely for not informing me about his safety. On the other hand, he was happy, curious that why am i worrying for him. I did not answer, just saying that i was playing a role as a good friend. Then he sms me saying that he wanted to meet me, but i waited and waited even i have finished my work. Lastly, he said he couldnt make it since his ex came to his house.
Sigh.... kinda upset at that moment.
As time passed, we have been getting along very well. In the middle of november, our feelings grows fonder.
One night, i was intensely upset after being scolded by my supervisor. Without even further thinking about it, i asked him for a movie - Phobia 2. The movie was very scary and i used his shirt to cover my eyes. After the movie we went for a drink until 4am because of heavy downpour. Then, he sent me back to hostel. After few moments, he sms me saying that he enjoyed very much for the movie. LOL.
~~~~to be continued
Without realising, I have some feelings for him. I started to flirt a bit with him :p
Days after days, i realise i have trues feelings towards him. But, i was in sheer dilemma because that time he was attached. I kept reminding me that we were just good friends, that's it! However, once he disappeared for more than 24 hours after being kidnapped by his ex gf.
That very night, i couldn't fall asleep till 2am, i lost focus in my work. Then, i was awaken at 6am, thinking of him whether he was safe or not. He has been telling me that his ex gf was kind of violent and uncontrollable or even insane. The following day, i went to his lab and looked around. My heart was filled with despair, he wasn't there. I pretended to ask around his colleagues about him, but no one has ever contacted him. His lap top was left on his table. I was in a dazed. Yes, i was anxious.
At night, i called his housemate. Then i was able to reach him. Thank God. I scolded him intensely for not informing me about his safety. On the other hand, he was happy, curious that why am i worrying for him. I did not answer, just saying that i was playing a role as a good friend. Then he sms me saying that he wanted to meet me, but i waited and waited even i have finished my work. Lastly, he said he couldnt make it since his ex came to his house.
Sigh.... kinda upset at that moment.
As time passed, we have been getting along very well. In the middle of november, our feelings grows fonder.
One night, i was intensely upset after being scolded by my supervisor. Without even further thinking about it, i asked him for a movie - Phobia 2. The movie was very scary and i used his shirt to cover my eyes. After the movie we went for a drink until 4am because of heavy downpour. Then, he sent me back to hostel. After few moments, he sms me saying that he enjoyed very much for the movie. LOL.
~~~~to be continued
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