Flashing back throughout the years, i was a failure in relationship. Embedded with several heart-breaking incidents, i'm always shadowed with phobia. What's my phobia? Lies and false hope.
Since this blog is private and only opened to one of my best frens. I guess i shall spur out all my feelings here.
i've never been into a relationship since 2004 until 2009. It was 2005, the first incident was confessing my feelings to him. At first, he replied me with positive response, but the following day he wrote me and email saying he wasn't ready and i wold be his best fren. --> False hope
the 2nd incident, hmmm....it was 2007, he was a malay guy. We enjoyed to talk with each other on YM. And... one day we decided to develop more than frenship. Out of a sudden, we lost contact for more than 1 month. Finally, i received his msg saying that he has returned to his ex gf. Amidst from the disappointment, i just let it go since it was a big sacrifice to be with him. Few months later, they broke up, and he confided in me. I just replied normally towards him coz there is no 2nd chance for such incident. ----> False hope
As i still remember, when i was doing master in 2008, i met him, we always went out for lunch together. After some time, we started to msg each other quite frequent. i still slightly remember he bought something from hong kong for me and give it to me on my birthday. However, when feeling grow fonder, he started to withdraw by ignoring me and write an email to me saying that his main focus is his master and career. He does not intend to have any relationship right now.----> Why false hope again?
Finally, the most bitter was in 2009. He is charming, undeniably. We always went out together for luxurious meals. He is a casanova, i supposed. I keep liking him and also obeying what he asked me to do - lots of writing. Until my birthday, I thought of asking him for a drink, but he replied me saying he is busy. I found out he was indeed busy,... busy playing game in the lab. ---> Lies. Before the raya, he asked me for a trip to visit a fren in taiping. Unfortunately, he went there himself and enjoying with all those frens (my frens too) all the way... Haha.... Very nice false hope...From that very moment, I have totally given up my heart for him.
During my recovery period, I fall for him - my current boy fren. He is nice and caring. Till now, we have been together for 10 months, all most 1 year. Occasionally, he tells lies and....giving me false hope also.... For me, if the lies are not giving serious consequence, i still can forget about it. But it always happens, though minor, but what if it keep happens? Our relationship is meant for long term. What if every time he was afraid of being scolded and telling me beautiful lies and giving my false hope? Will it be the last time? OR truthfulness is hard to be implemented to me? These few days when i think of him, i'll drop my tears... Such a good boy fren, and why the only flaw is behaving untruthful? is that acceptable if not really causing too much of harm?
How should i face all these? how?? If there is another time and another time again? :'(
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Friday, September 10, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Embedded Sorrows
I'm thinking.......
or sometimes i couldn't believe that i'm in love with another race.
I'm thinking....
i'm cultivating my determination to convert into another religion
and start to learn all over again.
I'm thinking.....
will we be living happily ever after?
There are lots of difference in our life need to be adjusted.
or perhaps i'm the one who need to adapt all the changes.
All this while, i'm combating my fear of changing.
The changes will be made for the rest of my life.
Whenever i'm trying to peace my mind, there are always on and off chaos happened.
and it keeps happening...
it keeps bothering....
it keeps interfering...
Why?? When can free from all these?
i'm traumatic and tired, always live with sheer anxieties.
or sometimes i couldn't believe that i'm in love with another race.
I'm thinking....
i'm cultivating my determination to convert into another religion
and start to learn all over again.
I'm thinking.....
will we be living happily ever after?
There are lots of difference in our life need to be adjusted.
or perhaps i'm the one who need to adapt all the changes.
All this while, i'm combating my fear of changing.
The changes will be made for the rest of my life.
Whenever i'm trying to peace my mind, there are always on and off chaos happened.
and it keeps happening...
it keeps bothering....
it keeps interfering...
Why?? When can free from all these?
i'm traumatic and tired, always live with sheer anxieties.
New Phase of Life II - trauma
continue from the previous post...
I still vividly could remember how he insisted me to admit the feelings for him at 3.00am one day, i couldnt remember about the exact day. He was so happy and telling me he has the same feeling. At that time, he was still clinged by his ex. I was seriously in a dilemma. For sure, if things do not manage well, catastrophe might most probably befall on us.
Well, i seriously in a daze. Perhaps just follow the flow of what God will show to me.
We are getting along very well during the first week, but nightmares happened when i was going back to hostel at 1am with him. Out of a sudden, a silhoutte appears at the back of his car when he was looking through the rear mirror before he started his car. His ex forced him to open the door and he did. She threw her wallet into his car and punch him. Then, his ex came to the passeger part and open my door. I was in great shock. I warn her don't approach me and settle with him. He ran further and the girl headed for him.
On impulse, i closed all the doors and drove his car off. But she blocked my way. I prayed and tried to get off from her. I don't know.... It was a disastrous night and i couldnt continue....
At 5.00am, he still got back to her because she said that she was committing suicide by swallowing plenty of panadols in front of his house.
At 9am, he returned to me and he packed some necessities and headed for perak.
We just couldnt escape from the disaster. I'm too obsessed to mention too detail here. Of all the times being with him, yea... we are so in love and having mutual chemestry. Somehow, when i think of his problem, i was suffering in sheer agony especially when i saw how helpless he was upon the matter. He was traumatised from all the mental torturing from his ex. I feel frustrated when i couldnt find a way to put a halt on his problem. His emotion becomes more and more unstable. Frequently, we have some arguments but fortunately the argument isn't critical to affect our relationship.
I still vividly could remember how he insisted me to admit the feelings for him at 3.00am one day, i couldnt remember about the exact day. He was so happy and telling me he has the same feeling. At that time, he was still clinged by his ex. I was seriously in a dilemma. For sure, if things do not manage well, catastrophe might most probably befall on us.
Well, i seriously in a daze. Perhaps just follow the flow of what God will show to me.
We are getting along very well during the first week, but nightmares happened when i was going back to hostel at 1am with him. Out of a sudden, a silhoutte appears at the back of his car when he was looking through the rear mirror before he started his car. His ex forced him to open the door and he did. She threw her wallet into his car and punch him. Then, his ex came to the passeger part and open my door. I was in great shock. I warn her don't approach me and settle with him. He ran further and the girl headed for him.
On impulse, i closed all the doors and drove his car off. But she blocked my way. I prayed and tried to get off from her. I don't know.... It was a disastrous night and i couldnt continue....
At 5.00am, he still got back to her because she said that she was committing suicide by swallowing plenty of panadols in front of his house.
At 9am, he returned to me and he packed some necessities and headed for perak.
We just couldnt escape from the disaster. I'm too obsessed to mention too detail here. Of all the times being with him, yea... we are so in love and having mutual chemestry. Somehow, when i think of his problem, i was suffering in sheer agony especially when i saw how helpless he was upon the matter. He was traumatised from all the mental torturing from his ex. I feel frustrated when i couldnt find a way to put a halt on his problem. His emotion becomes more and more unstable. Frequently, we have some arguments but fortunately the argument isn't critical to affect our relationship.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
New phase of life
Just imagine that in the most darkest stage of your life, someone came into your life as a saviour. Well, it's him who lifted up my life, who brought back my joyous to me. It has been months after months i was suffering in agony, perhaps nearly causing mental distortion.
Without realising, I have some feelings for him. I started to flirt a bit with him :p
Days after days, i realise i have trues feelings towards him. But, i was in sheer dilemma because that time he was attached. I kept reminding me that we were just good friends, that's it! However, once he disappeared for more than 24 hours after being kidnapped by his ex gf.
That very night, i couldn't fall asleep till 2am, i lost focus in my work. Then, i was awaken at 6am, thinking of him whether he was safe or not. He has been telling me that his ex gf was kind of violent and uncontrollable or even insane. The following day, i went to his lab and looked around. My heart was filled with despair, he wasn't there. I pretended to ask around his colleagues about him, but no one has ever contacted him. His lap top was left on his table. I was in a dazed. Yes, i was anxious.
At night, i called his housemate. Then i was able to reach him. Thank God. I scolded him intensely for not informing me about his safety. On the other hand, he was happy, curious that why am i worrying for him. I did not answer, just saying that i was playing a role as a good friend. Then he sms me saying that he wanted to meet me, but i waited and waited even i have finished my work. Lastly, he said he couldnt make it since his ex came to his house.
Sigh.... kinda upset at that moment.
As time passed, we have been getting along very well. In the middle of november, our feelings grows fonder.
One night, i was intensely upset after being scolded by my supervisor. Without even further thinking about it, i asked him for a movie - Phobia 2. The movie was very scary and i used his shirt to cover my eyes. After the movie we went for a drink until 4am because of heavy downpour. Then, he sent me back to hostel. After few moments, he sms me saying that he enjoyed very much for the movie. LOL.
~~~~to be continued
Without realising, I have some feelings for him. I started to flirt a bit with him :p
Days after days, i realise i have trues feelings towards him. But, i was in sheer dilemma because that time he was attached. I kept reminding me that we were just good friends, that's it! However, once he disappeared for more than 24 hours after being kidnapped by his ex gf.
That very night, i couldn't fall asleep till 2am, i lost focus in my work. Then, i was awaken at 6am, thinking of him whether he was safe or not. He has been telling me that his ex gf was kind of violent and uncontrollable or even insane. The following day, i went to his lab and looked around. My heart was filled with despair, he wasn't there. I pretended to ask around his colleagues about him, but no one has ever contacted him. His lap top was left on his table. I was in a dazed. Yes, i was anxious.
At night, i called his housemate. Then i was able to reach him. Thank God. I scolded him intensely for not informing me about his safety. On the other hand, he was happy, curious that why am i worrying for him. I did not answer, just saying that i was playing a role as a good friend. Then he sms me saying that he wanted to meet me, but i waited and waited even i have finished my work. Lastly, he said he couldnt make it since his ex came to his house.
Sigh.... kinda upset at that moment.
As time passed, we have been getting along very well. In the middle of november, our feelings grows fonder.
One night, i was intensely upset after being scolded by my supervisor. Without even further thinking about it, i asked him for a movie - Phobia 2. The movie was very scary and i used his shirt to cover my eyes. After the movie we went for a drink until 4am because of heavy downpour. Then, he sent me back to hostel. After few moments, he sms me saying that he enjoyed very much for the movie. LOL.
~~~~to be continued
Monday, August 17, 2009
if you love someone - set them free!
If you love someone, set them free.
If they come back they’re yours;
If they don’t they never were.
However, in today’s world, this quote finds its own MODERN VERSIONS depending on the kind of people you are:
Pessimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she ever comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, as expected, she never was
Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free …
Don’t worry, she will come back .
Suspicious:
If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she ever comes back, ask her why.
Impatient:
If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she doesn’t come back within some time forget her.
Patient:
If you love someone, set her free ..
If she doesn’t come back,
continue to wait until she comes back …
Playful
If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat …
C++ Programmer:
if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she = new CShe;
Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!
Lawyers:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the Second
Amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom
Biologist :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
She’ll evolve.
Statisticians :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming
back is high
If she doesn’t, your relation was improbable
anyway.
Schwarzenegger’s fans:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
SHE’LL BE BACK!
Over possessive person :
If you love someone
don’t set her free.
MBA :
If you love someone set her free instantaneously
and look for others simultaneously
Psychologist :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back her super ego is dominant
If she doesn’t come back her id is supreme
If she doesn’t go, she must be crazy.
Somnambulist :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back it’s a nightmare
If she doesn’t, you must be dreaming
If they come back they’re yours;
If they don’t they never were.
However, in today’s world, this quote finds its own MODERN VERSIONS depending on the kind of people you are:
Pessimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she ever comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, as expected, she never was
Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free …
Don’t worry, she will come back .
Suspicious:
If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she ever comes back, ask her why.
Impatient:
If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she doesn’t come back within some time forget her.
Patient:
If you love someone, set her free ..
If she doesn’t come back,
continue to wait until she comes back …
Playful
If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat …
C++ Programmer:
if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she = new CShe;
Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!
Lawyers:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the Second
Amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom
Biologist :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
She’ll evolve.
Statisticians :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming
back is high
If she doesn’t, your relation was improbable
anyway.
Schwarzenegger’s fans:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
SHE’LL BE BACK!
Over possessive person :
If you love someone
don’t set her free.
MBA :
If you love someone set her free instantaneously
and look for others simultaneously
Psychologist :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back her super ego is dominant
If she doesn’t come back her id is supreme
If she doesn’t go, she must be crazy.
Somnambulist :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back it’s a nightmare
If she doesn’t, you must be dreaming
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