Flashing back throughout the years, i was a failure in relationship. Embedded with several heart-breaking incidents, i'm always shadowed with phobia. What's my phobia? Lies and false hope.
Since this blog is private and only opened to one of my best frens. I guess i shall spur out all my feelings here.
i've never been into a relationship since 2004 until 2009. It was 2005, the first incident was confessing my feelings to him. At first, he replied me with positive response, but the following day he wrote me and email saying he wasn't ready and i wold be his best fren. --> False hope
the 2nd incident, hmmm....it was 2007, he was a malay guy. We enjoyed to talk with each other on YM. And... one day we decided to develop more than frenship. Out of a sudden, we lost contact for more than 1 month. Finally, i received his msg saying that he has returned to his ex gf. Amidst from the disappointment, i just let it go since it was a big sacrifice to be with him. Few months later, they broke up, and he confided in me. I just replied normally towards him coz there is no 2nd chance for such incident. ----> False hope
As i still remember, when i was doing master in 2008, i met him, we always went out for lunch together. After some time, we started to msg each other quite frequent. i still slightly remember he bought something from hong kong for me and give it to me on my birthday. However, when feeling grow fonder, he started to withdraw by ignoring me and write an email to me saying that his main focus is his master and career. He does not intend to have any relationship right now.----> Why false hope again?
Finally, the most bitter was in 2009. He is charming, undeniably. We always went out together for luxurious meals. He is a casanova, i supposed. I keep liking him and also obeying what he asked me to do - lots of writing. Until my birthday, I thought of asking him for a drink, but he replied me saying he is busy. I found out he was indeed busy,... busy playing game in the lab. ---> Lies. Before the raya, he asked me for a trip to visit a fren in taiping. Unfortunately, he went there himself and enjoying with all those frens (my frens too) all the way... Haha.... Very nice false hope...From that very moment, I have totally given up my heart for him.
During my recovery period, I fall for him - my current boy fren. He is nice and caring. Till now, we have been together for 10 months, all most 1 year. Occasionally, he tells lies and....giving me false hope also.... For me, if the lies are not giving serious consequence, i still can forget about it. But it always happens, though minor, but what if it keep happens? Our relationship is meant for long term. What if every time he was afraid of being scolded and telling me beautiful lies and giving my false hope? Will it be the last time? OR truthfulness is hard to be implemented to me? These few days when i think of him, i'll drop my tears... Such a good boy fren, and why the only flaw is behaving untruthful? is that acceptable if not really causing too much of harm?
How should i face all these? how?? If there is another time and another time again? :'(
