Sienz

Recently, My bf and me always have argument because of bernice's issues. I feel upset because she doesn't understand what i said. Can she stop bothering me? I'll be fine.

Forget & Forgive

Luckily this blog is private, only tomato is able to access.

I read about Lai Mun's blog. She really felt sorry for what had happened. If u ask me whether I can forgive her or not. Of course, why not? Everyone will make mistake, this is a fact indeed.

But, i also couldnt sleep last night, why am i so upset and extraordinary disappointed? Is it because she is a too ideal friend in my heart? LOL.

For anybody info, I hardly will spare some time for people especially at night during weekday. Time for me is very precious which i will spend my time with my own leisure. But, when i can come out and meet up someone at night, this person will be a very good and close friend for me. I really hope we can appreciate each other.

In this realistic and sophisticated world, full of lures, it's very very hard to get a true and sincere friend. If u have found one, that friendship would be a great treasure.

Fear and Phobia

Flashing back throughout the years, i was a failure in relationship. Embedded with several heart-breaking incidents, i'm always shadowed with phobia. What's my phobia? Lies and false hope.

Since this blog is private and only opened to one of my best frens. I guess i shall spur out all my feelings here.
i've never been into a relationship since 2004 until 2009. It was 2005, the first incident was confessing my feelings to him. At first, he replied me with positive response, but the following day he wrote me and email saying he wasn't ready and i wold be his best fren. --> False hope

the 2nd incident, hmmm....it was 2007, he was a malay guy. We enjoyed to talk with each other on YM. And... one day we decided to develop more than frenship. Out of a sudden, we lost contact for more than 1 month. Finally, i received his msg saying that he has returned to his ex gf. Amidst from the disappointment, i just let it go since it was a big sacrifice to be with him. Few months later, they broke up, and he confided in me. I just replied normally towards him coz there is no 2nd chance for such incident. ----> False hope

As i still remember, when i was doing master in 2008, i met him, we always went out for lunch together.  After some time, we started to msg each other quite frequent. i still slightly remember he bought something from hong kong for me and give it to me on my birthday. However, when feeling grow fonder, he started to withdraw by ignoring me and write an email to me saying that his main focus is his master and career. He does not intend to have any relationship right now.----> Why false hope again?

Finally, the most bitter was in 2009. He is charming, undeniably. We always went out together for luxurious meals. He is a casanova, i supposed. I keep liking him and also obeying what he asked me to do - lots of writing. Until my birthday, I thought of asking him for a drink, but he replied me saying he is busy. I found out he was indeed busy,... busy playing game in the lab. ---> Lies. Before the raya, he asked me for a trip to visit a fren in taiping. Unfortunately, he went there himself and enjoying with all those frens (my frens too) all the way... Haha.... Very nice false hope...From that very moment, I have totally given up my heart for him.

During my recovery period, I fall for him - my current boy fren. He is nice and caring. Till now, we have been together for 10 months, all most 1 year. Occasionally, he tells lies and....giving me false hope also.... For me, if the lies are not giving serious consequence, i still can forget about it. But it always happens, though minor, but what if it keep happens? Our relationship is meant for long term. What if every time he was afraid of being scolded and telling me beautiful lies and giving my false hope? Will it be the last time? OR truthfulness is hard to be implemented to me? These few days when i think of him, i'll drop my tears... Such a good boy fren, and why the only flaw is behaving untruthful? is that acceptable if not really causing too much of harm?

How should i face all these? how?? If there is another time and another time again? :'(

Inner dilemma

I just don't have an idea why he or what is a man like to hide something from their partner. His body language shows the loopholes and he still never wants to tell me a thing. Couldn't be i go and search for it and show him the proof  if the hidden information. What's for? to prove that he is hiding something? to prove that i'm right? Sigh.... it's simply meaningless when trust fails. All these are just ruining the relationship.

Perhaps I'm the one who need to be blamed for being over concerned and intruded his privacy issues. Phew! I just couldn't stop my tears yesterday night, evaluating myself and him. A very good partner but prefer not to review his things and may try to avoid from being nagged by me.

Is this a healthy relationship?

Valentine's Day = CNY

Today is Valentine's Day, but we didn't celebrate because today is first day of chinese new year. Really hope to see him around today, but unfortunately we were apart from each other.

Since we commited to each other, we have never been separated for so many days, this is the first time he is away from me for 4 days.

May God bless us for a blissful relationship ever after.....

belief

i don't understand why people not only want to make her/his life hard and also make other suffer from what she/he is doing. I deeply believe, when we have someone or something that make our life good, i'll always treasure it. I always believe in faith and fate. These two criteria brings true love. True love needs mutual understanding and also chemistry. There are lots of times that we need to read one's body language and facial expression. This is not an easy way. If we think what we did is good for another one, we are just simple dominate the person. Jealousy is closely related with over possessiveness.When you trust one person, why do you want to be jealous if he/she is mingling around with his/her friends? When a guy/gal feels that his partner is not suitable for him/her anymore, why does he/she keep quiet and let the disaster entangling him? There are lots of questions spinning in my head upon the cases i came across.

Recently, i attended a good friend's engagement party, she does not have a choice to choose his partner and all are arranged by her parents. She comes from a wealthy family, but she does not have freedom. Her marriage is just a gambling, and i always pray for her victory in this gamble.

I always believe that when a man loves a woman or vice versa, he/she will not physically and mentally hurt him. I dont understand what there is such creature that fond of hurting her/his partner as if it's her/his hobby. is quarreling a hobby for them?? I don't know. If you feel there is no love anymore, do not pretend and stay with your partner.

Embedded Sorrows

I'm thinking.......
or sometimes i couldn't believe that i'm in love with another race.
I'm thinking....
i'm cultivating my determination to convert into another religion
and start to learn all over again.
I'm thinking.....
will we be living happily ever after?
There are lots of difference in our life need to be adjusted.
or perhaps i'm the one who need to adapt all the changes.

All this while, i'm combating my fear of changing.
The changes will be made for the rest of my life.

Whenever i'm trying to peace my mind, there are always on and off chaos happened.
and it keeps happening...
it keeps bothering....
it keeps interfering...

Why?? When can free from all these?
i'm traumatic and tired, always live with sheer anxieties.